"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something."
Jack Handey
"I am at two with nature."
Woody Allen
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
Woody Allen
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
Woody Allen
"If its sanity you are after there is no recipe like laughter."
Henry Elliot
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