"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
Will Rogers


"Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through their skins."
Henry Ward Beecher


"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
Jack Handey


"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
Jack Handey


"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
Jack Handey

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