1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own
pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol
content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
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