Ladies and Gentlemen , embrace the Dark Side.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the Dark Side would be it.
The long-term benefits of the Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords
of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than
my own meandering cruelty and conquests. I will dispense this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet.
Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your
planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find a
Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of
your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant
you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of
burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.
Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real
troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted
mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some
idle Tuesday.
Do in one Death Star officer every day.
Scheme.
Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey
yours.
Hate.
Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a
barn.
The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot
son. Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your
bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old lightsaber, but change your costume slightly with every
sequel.
Destroy.
Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side.
The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their
victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still
don't.
Have plenty of minions.
Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he
won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist
you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel
leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder. Whatever you do, don't
congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your destiny is
guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.
Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what
other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a
planet is insignificant next to its power.
Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.
Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his
prophecies.
Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.
Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your
arch enemies. Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi
lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future. Understand
that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep from
crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to
send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.
Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot. Live on Tattooine
once, but leave before you get heat stroke. Travel. Preferably in your own
custom TIE Fighter.
Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate
will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll
fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial
Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.
Respect your Emperor. Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you.
Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll
never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to
the Light Side and saving his sorry butt. Don't strike down your old Jedi
Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Be
careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or
I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a
way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting
black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its
worth.
But trust me on the Dark Side.
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