"Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year."
Victor Borge

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce."
Mark Twain

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Groucho Marx

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante

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