Giving Pets Pills


1. Pick up cat and cradle is a rogue and left arm as if it were a child. Place the right index finger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and the cat behind the sofa. Keep the cat in left arm and repeat the process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw the pill away wet.

4. Take new pill from foil, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Keep your mouth shut and count to ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor cat wedged firmly in her lap. Keep the front and hind legs. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get a partner to keep his head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and your partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, mouth forced open with pencil and blow through the straw.

9. Check the package of pills you do not drink harmful to humans, a beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to partner's forearm and immediately remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Insert the pill with a rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door hinges on the back. Drinking beer. Get a bottle of whiskey. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check the last tetanus shot. U.S. presses whiskey nerve disinfected. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt off and recover a bedroom.

12. Call the fire department to get scratching posts friggin 'across the street. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into the wall to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. front paws to rear paws with twine tie and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy pruning likes discount. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rude about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to take you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to choose the new table.

15. Arrange for the Humane Society to collect mutant cat. Call your local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


1. Wrap pill in bacon.

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