Two gay homosexuals are standing on a bridge watching the ships pass by below.
One guy says to the other..."What kind of ship is that?" The other replies... "Container ship."
"OK, what's that one over there?" "Oil Tanker."
"How about that one?" "That's a ferry boat."
"Wow! I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own NAVY!"
Elephant thing
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don''t laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000."
Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000." "Yeah, he''s out back".
After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.
In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.
"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."
Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000." "Yeah, he''s out back".
After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant.
In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry.
"Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."
Confessions
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
Coming Out
A gay homosexual, after years of hiding it, finally decides he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents. He went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, " Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, " Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, " Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
Blowing Bubbles
Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.
"What is your name?" he asked.
"Quack." the duck answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Quack," the duck answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.
"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."
"What is your name?" he asked.
"Quack." the duck answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Quack," the duck answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.
"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."
