Letter

Letter home from school...

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

A week later..... a letter from "home"

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid, " she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope, " replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."'

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words, " he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well, " she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1, 000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, 'I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.'
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.
So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: 'First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.'

What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
What does a dog do that you can step into?
What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name) 

Radio Silence

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8: 00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass !

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'
The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500, 000.'
The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500, 000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'
The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500, 000.'
The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500, 000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'
He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.' So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.' So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!' This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.' The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away, " sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well, " sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5, 000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35, " was the reply.
"I'm actually 47, " the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47, "
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."