A Jumbo jet is just coming in to land at Heathrow airport London.
It’s on the final approach so the pilot comes on over the intercom to make
his fair well speech.
"This is Capt. Smith, we're on our final descent into London Heathrow. I’d
like to thank you for flying with us today and wish you a pleasant say or
onward journey."
Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can
now hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says, "Well skipper, what you going to do in London?"
Now all ears on the plan are listening to the conversation.
"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm going to check into the hotel and go
for a massive dump. Then I'm going to take that new stewardess out for
supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm going to wine and dine
her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night."
Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the stewardess.
She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to try and get
to the cockpit and switch off the intercom. Half way down she trips over
an old lady’s hand bag. Smack she lands face first on the floor.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to my run dear, he's got to go
for a shit first."
Showing posts with label dirty jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dirty jokes. Show all posts
Bouncer
A guy walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting at a table. He
Strolls over to her and says, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss your
breasts!"
The embarrassed woman says, "My boyfriend is the bouncer here, and if
you don't leave me alone I’ll have him sort you out!"
"Ok, I am sorry!" says the guy as he buys a drink.
After a couple more drinks the guy walks over to her walks to her again
and says, "You know, I’d LOVE to kiss you on your ass!" The woman is very
angry and says, "One more word from you and I’m fetching my boy friend
sort you out!"
"Ok, I am sorry.... It won't happen again", says the guy.
A 20 minutes later, the guy is totally drunk, and tells the woman, "You
know, I’d LOVE to fill up your pussy with bear and drink it out of there!"
“That does it!” says the woman “ I’m getting my boyfriend. You are in so
much trouble!"
The woman goes to the backroom, and tells her boyfriend what’s
happened.
"There’s a man out there who said that he wants to kiss my breasts!" Her
boyfriend stands up and rolls up his shirt sleeves.
"And, he said that he wanted to bite my butt!" Clenching his fists he
reaches for his baseball bat.
"And.... he says he wants to fill my pussy with beer and drink every bit of
it out of there!"
Hearing this the boyfriends face turns white, he breaks out in a sweet
and sits down to read his paper.
The woman is shocked and asks, “What the hell you doing aren’t you going
to sort him out?”
“Hell NO” says the boyfriend “I’m not going to mess with a guy that can
drink that much!”
Strolls over to her and says, "You know, I would LOVE to kiss your
breasts!"
The embarrassed woman says, "My boyfriend is the bouncer here, and if
you don't leave me alone I’ll have him sort you out!"
"Ok, I am sorry!" says the guy as he buys a drink.
After a couple more drinks the guy walks over to her walks to her again
and says, "You know, I’d LOVE to kiss you on your ass!" The woman is very
angry and says, "One more word from you and I’m fetching my boy friend
sort you out!"
"Ok, I am sorry.... It won't happen again", says the guy.
A 20 minutes later, the guy is totally drunk, and tells the woman, "You
know, I’d LOVE to fill up your pussy with bear and drink it out of there!"
“That does it!” says the woman “ I’m getting my boyfriend. You are in so
much trouble!"
The woman goes to the backroom, and tells her boyfriend what’s
happened.
"There’s a man out there who said that he wants to kiss my breasts!" Her
boyfriend stands up and rolls up his shirt sleeves.
"And, he said that he wanted to bite my butt!" Clenching his fists he
reaches for his baseball bat.
"And.... he says he wants to fill my pussy with beer and drink every bit of
it out of there!"
Hearing this the boyfriends face turns white, he breaks out in a sweet
and sits down to read his paper.
The woman is shocked and asks, “What the hell you doing aren’t you going
to sort him out?”
“Hell NO” says the boyfriend “I’m not going to mess with a guy that can
drink that much!”
Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What’s Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of
then family, so that make’s me The Prime Minister. Your mother
administers the money, so we can call her the Government. We're here to
take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the
Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what his Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check
on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little
boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny, so he gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son! Tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class,
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit!"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of
then family, so that make’s me The Prime Minister. Your mother
administers the money, so we can call her the Government. We're here to
take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the
Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what his Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check
on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little
boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny, so he gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son! Tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class,
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit!"
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy? 'A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy? 'Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.' What do you mean you found my sponge? "The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, " he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob, " he insists, "and I know you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
"Come on baby pleeeeaassseee"
"I'm not going to give you a blow job"
"Why Not...baby it will be quick I promise?"
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, " he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob, " he insists, "and I know you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
"Come on baby pleeeeaassseee"
"I'm not going to give you a blow job"
"Why Not...baby it will be quick I promise?"
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
New Jersey Body Map
One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment. During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about New Jersey using her body.
Interesting, he thought.
First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside, she explained to him that this was "Freehold". Next, she took his other hand and placed it in her breast, she told him that this was "Point Pleasant." Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.
Believing that he was getting the gist of the game he asked "So, is this Cherry Hill?"
She smiled at him and said "No, this is Eatontown."
One evening, a young man was surprised to find that his bar pickup line had worked and that he was headed to his new companion's apartment. During the drive she explained to him that she was going to show him all about New Jersey using her body.
Interesting, he thought.
First, she took his hand and placed it on her backside, she explained to him that this was "Freehold". Next, she took his other hand and placed it in her breast, she told him that this was "Point Pleasant." Again she took his hand, this time she placed it between her legs.
Believing that he was getting the gist of the game he asked "So, is this Cherry Hill?"
She smiled at him and said "No, this is Eatontown."
New Career
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the Exhaust..."
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the Exhaust..."
Moth Exterminator
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
A Serious Medical Condition
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.
"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
The Top 14 Signs You're Not Watching the Real "Phantom Menace"
14. As if the girl-girl porno action weren't tacky enough, you can actually see the strings holding up the planets.
13. Somehow, R2-D2 manages to give Darth Maul the finger.
12. Right when Obi-Wan is about to whip out his "lightsaber," the screen goes blank and you have to put in another 50 cents.
11. Queen Amidala looks suspiciously like one of the Olsen twins.
10. As Leia Orgasma takes off her clothes, you realize you've stumbled into "The Phantom Moan-fest."
9. The "lightsaber duel" consists of nothing but two guys with Nerf baseball bats making lightsaber noises with their mouths.
8. None of the previews mentioned the evil Darth Diggler or queen Ches-Ti Ho.
7. The scene of the young Anakin Skywalker straddling his Pod Racer -- arms outstretched -- shouting, "I'm Lord of the Universe!" is just a tad derivative.
6. "Help me, Monica... You're my only hope!"
5. Leslie Neilsen as "Dark Mall"?! I don't friggin' think so!
4. Yoda looks awfully pale, and he keeps saying "Taco Bell, yo quiero."
3. "Starring Jerry Mathers as The Menace," just doesn't sound right.
2. Anakin Skywalker is played by a small black child whose only line is "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
1. You're having trouble reading the subtitled translations for Obi "Juan" Kenobi.
14. As if the girl-girl porno action weren't tacky enough, you can actually see the strings holding up the planets.
13. Somehow, R2-D2 manages to give Darth Maul the finger.
12. Right when Obi-Wan is about to whip out his "lightsaber," the screen goes blank and you have to put in another 50 cents.
11. Queen Amidala looks suspiciously like one of the Olsen twins.
10. As Leia Orgasma takes off her clothes, you realize you've stumbled into "The Phantom Moan-fest."
9. The "lightsaber duel" consists of nothing but two guys with Nerf baseball bats making lightsaber noises with their mouths.
8. None of the previews mentioned the evil Darth Diggler or queen Ches-Ti Ho.
7. The scene of the young Anakin Skywalker straddling his Pod Racer -- arms outstretched -- shouting, "I'm Lord of the Universe!" is just a tad derivative.
6. "Help me, Monica... You're my only hope!"
5. Leslie Neilsen as "Dark Mall"?! I don't friggin' think so!
4. Yoda looks awfully pale, and he keeps saying "Taco Bell, yo quiero."
3. "Starring Jerry Mathers as The Menace," just doesn't sound right.
2. Anakin Skywalker is played by a small black child whose only line is "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
1. You're having trouble reading the subtitled translations for Obi "Juan" Kenobi.
Oral Sex - An Ode To Love
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.
Blonde Breathalizer Test
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes." replied the cop.
"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"
"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes." replied the cop.
"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."
"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"
Paradise
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."
Penis Contest
Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"
The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"
The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
Picture Revenge
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.So, what she did is this: she took a very compromizing polaroid picture of her and her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So what he did next was awesome.He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.So, what she did is this: she took a very compromizing polaroid picture of her and her new boyfriend and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So what he did next was awesome.He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
Results-Oriented Man
A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."
His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."
A very frustrated man visits his doctor. "Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe anything..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc. She's awfully cold."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay." He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes... he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I need a man..."
His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me too."
The Twist
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
Translating Hebrew
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were atleast three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them."
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food."
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were atleast three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them."
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food."
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"
Triplets
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
