"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study. Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?" The boy was stunned to silence. The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?" The boy began to quake with dread .... this was no ordinary lecture for being bad! Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?" At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked. "It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!"

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

"A Preacher was standing at the Pulpit giving his Sunday sermon, when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was "FOOL".
Looking up at the Congregation, the preacher smiled and said "I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names, but this is the first time I have seen a man sign his name and forget to write the letter"

A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."
Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to
drive it."
Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"
"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway,
and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him,
'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.
"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by
the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.........."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
............They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!!!

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one
afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"The waitress
nodded, "Yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee
on him. The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup
of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said,
"Give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too." The third patron to come into the
restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and
hollered, "Hey there sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of
RC!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's
boy over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Redneck
said, "Give Jesus a cold glass of RC, too." As Jesus got up to
leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into
his legs, got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman,
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The nglishman
felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord
and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked
towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Hey, man,
don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability." These brothers were
incredibly mean---they lied, cheated, stole, blackmailed, you name it,
they did it. Well, anyway, they managed to acquire a lot of money. Then,
one of the brothers died. The other brother came to the local priest and
said, "You know how much you've been wanting to get a new bell tower on
the church? Well, if, during my brother's funeral, you call him a saint,
I'll write you a check for the tower right here and now." Well, the priest
thought about it and agreed. However, during the funeral, the
priest was completely cruel to the deceased brother, and highlighted each
of his faults. (it was a very long speech) Of course, the brother that was
listening was very angry, as the priest was not following through on the
deal. But, being a priest, lying was horrible, and the eulogy ended with
"but, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."