A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

A 21 year old girl saunters into a prestigous car showroom,

looks around all the Porsches, Ferrari's and Lamborghini's before

deciding on a top-end Red Porsche.

"I'll pay cash!" she says and hands over a bagful of Twenties.

The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

2 days later she's back, fuming "I want my money back...it smells

awfully bad when I use the brakes."

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the

books) the sales-manager decides to ride in the car with her

'in case she ain't driving it properly'

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into

second gear at 50 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd

at 80mph, does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then

really starts to accelerate.

110mph in 4th, 140 in 5th, the engine's roaring like a Lion

with toothache, and the car is shuddering as it climbs to

170mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in

the seat.

In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing

are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he

thinks!), but no, she floors it and the revometer climbs higher.

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car

stops inches from the barrier.

"So, can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT?  HONEY, I'M SITTING IN IT!!!"

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. Still, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Honey, take the wheel. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was reading a novel. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

Tired of having to balance his wife Lucy’s checkbook, Bob made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, the woman said proudly, “There! I’ve done it! I made it balance!”
Impressed, Bob came over to take a look.
“Let’s see … mortgage 550.00…electricity 70.50…phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, 615.00. What the heck is that?”
“Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place.”

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage. 

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy