A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter

from his mother asking him to send her a current photo

of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let

her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a

photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a

picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture

in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the

photo.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the

wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's

eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.  A few weeks

later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it

makes your nose look short!"

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling

a little frisky,

reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and

says,"Mother, if this could give

milk, we could get rid of the cow." His hand then travels down to her

crotch, and he says,

"Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches

over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could

get rid of your brother.

Working With The FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is

hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They

search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust

open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at

Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep"

"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and they

lived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English,

but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose

whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't

know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her

skirt to show her thighs.  The butcher got the message and the lady went

home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know

how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her

breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way

to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the

doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week

and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your

penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay

next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little

4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive

work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry

and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse

to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw

them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says, "Look at

this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!"

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in

her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even

managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host

could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove

them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You

know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started

heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to

run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked

grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she

cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the

answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane,

now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the

quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily

before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as

Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she

knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running

and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane

and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10

seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the

heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it

into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the

First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and

it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along.  After thirty

minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."  The First

Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"  "Your people bombed

Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."  "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese

not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."  "Chinese, Japanese,

Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."  Another thirty

minutes of silence.  Finally, the First Officer says: "No like

Jew."  "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"  "Jews sink Titanic."  "The

Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."  "Iceberg, Goldberg,

Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the

landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the

housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might

add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent

is paid up for six months!"

The pro quarterback was petitioning the court to have his recent

marriage annulled. "On what grounds ?" questioned the Judge, "This

court does not take annulments lightly."

"Non-virginity," replied the quarterback, "When I married her, I

thought I was getting a tight end, but instead, I found that I had

married a wide receiver."

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of

a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded

that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure

during sex. After the study was published, the University of South Carolina

decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that

the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted

their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was

to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman

beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.  They

are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as

your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he

called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is

it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,

why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer

was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and

it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the

lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,

tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before

you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,

"One less lawyer . . ."

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife

in bed with another man.

"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what

if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with

your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane

and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass." 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their
family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...." 
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple
on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me" 
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, 
but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" 
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to
work with" "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were
crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" 
asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. 
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly
squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. 
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began 
nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod?????" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for 
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"