Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?

They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?

Right where you left him.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree

would kill you?

A pool table.

What is a zebra?

26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka.

And what kind of lettuce?

Iceberg.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A pachydermatologist

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quatro sinko.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?

She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car

crash?

He's all right now.

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?

He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.